the birds and the bees of blogging

sit down over here for a minute.....we need to talk about something that may make you uncomfortable. You see ______, you know when you asked me where blogs come from and I told you someday that I would tell you when you are old enough to understand? Well, today is that day. Basically there are female blogs and there are male blogs. Men write male blogs and women write female blogs. The posts in male blogs are usually of some actual substance, usually un-entertainingly so. They include a funny joke or an observation or answer one of lifes many mysteries. This can be well planned or utterly boring all depending on said man's intellegence and his resolve to keep from wandering onto internet porn. Many times, a man will think he is accomplishing this task, when in actuallity, he is unknowingly blabbering like an ignoramous. (stop looking at me)

Most of the time these blogs are short, almost bullet point-ish lists, rather than substantial peices of literature. Female blogs are different then male blogs in that they are almost the exact opposite in which they find a way to write for hours delving into the most lush descriptions of nothing at all. They'll talk about,..... well.......them. And how everything in their 10 foot radius is related, EVERYTHING. They'll describe their feelings, their hopes, their desires, their history, the colors, the lighting, the smells........of their shower curtain. These blogs can be interesting and uniquely stimulating all depending on said woman's ability to not use the same vocabulary terms over and over, and not wander onto zappos.com or perezhilton.com

Whether they are male blogs or female blogs, they are created when one man or woman is a combination of desperate, stupid, crazy, bored, and lustful enough to take their fingers and stick them on the........ you know.........keyboard.

So, basically its just like sex! And you can avoid creating a blog by using protection. Basically that means wrapping your brain with things like girlfriends, boyfriends, regular friends, jobs, sports, social lives, and arts&crafts. If you can keep it busy, it won't wander into itself and then squirt out juice onto the internet. Remember though, to NEVER use a friend that is past it's expiration date on its packaging. That friend could have holes which could let the brain juice seep out into the finger canal and thus create an accidental blog that may have to be aborted in 3-5 months.

But there are lots of good blogs out there of both the male and female variety. Females tend to have more consistent and regular blog posts because their brain has the ability to over analyze the way their black heels used to be their favorites till she saw Angelina Jolie wearing a pair that was similar in Us magazine and, isn't she a bitch for stealing Brad? And isnt Brad a jerk for not having kids with Jen but making his own child army with Angelina and so on into infinity and I'll see you again tomorrow with a report on my kid Benjamin does on his 4th official haircut! Female blogs are always a good way to kill about 30 mins when you have nothing to do. Males blogs tend to be more aggressive hit or miss and short and to the point which can be dull and useless but at least you didn't spend a day reading his strikeout. This trait is why men are the best at leaving appropriate voicemails and women can't leave messages under 120 seconds if you held a gun to their head. They'd be crying about having a gun to their head and then forget to hang up........BANG! hahahahaha

ever changing, ever kind of improving?

I recently signed onto a bloggers network called "20-something bloggers" (hi there 20sb's if you are reading this) out of boredom/intrigue. I try to keep up with the nerdery of blogging, but I am impatient and have a slight case of attention defecit disorder when it comes to the internet and its recent upgrades/fads. I never seem to be able to keep up or get lazy with learning. But thats why I have the Beamer! I check out his stuff and since he is majoring in Blogging (haha, kind of true) in graduate school, I figure his example is enough to steer me in the right direction.

So now I am doing this thing......I think. It entails being a part of a community of other bloggers who talk about their blogging experiences, ideas and share their blogs. Basically, its a bloggers club. Right now you are thinking, wow.....he's an even bigger loser than I thought....but in my defense, I have no idea what I am doing on it. I am just blindly clicking on stuff and writing my usual jack-assery in random places. People get mad, check out my blog, tell me I'm ugly or homosexual and I get another precious hit on my little blog clicker at the bottom of the page. So its pretty much just like real life for me! Just subsitute clicks for moustache hairs.

(seriously, thats the last time I bring the moustache up, I swear)

It makes me wish I had a camera though. Blogging is so easy when you can post pictures of your adventures and create captions. But I am trying to save some money to get a whole video camera that I can also take pictures with. So by 2020 I should be able to post picture of my neighbors new hover-car and how much I want to dress up in a caveman suit and throw rocks at it. OOOGA BOOGAH!!

My Netflix addiction has been on hold with the busy-ness of the crew season and october baseball. I plan on getting back to conquering the 90+ movies I have in my queue sometime soon, but for right now those little red envelopes are coasters for my peanut butter jar......that I eat with my fingers.....

So there you go. YFYB is still plodding along on the coat-tails of the internet wave. Sure, my best days of blogging are probably behind me. Maybe I've dulled a little and maybe I'll dull some more. I am almost too old for 20sb But for now, I'm hanging on if you're hanging on...... Maybe send me a lot of money in the mail. I guarantee I will find something fun to do with it and I'll write all about how I bought a hang glider or a used pair of Christian Slaters underpants.

A call to arms!

Some of you may think that I am being a little irrational here. That I am perhaps taking this stance too far. But stand against injustice, I must. Someone must have the courage to give voice to the meek. That person is me. And my stance?

truly equal treatment for people with moustache's.

Go ahead, laugh if you must. Get it all out of your system so we can get down to business. The business of hate and prejuidice. Serious shit right there.

Recently there was a powder keg of tension in the vehicle of a what was thought to be a harmless and humerous television advertisement. This ad can be seen here.....watch closely for the veiled bigotry.



sure! some of you are thinking, "whats the big deal, he's just trying to protect his daughter from pre-marital relations" Yes, I agree that it can be viewed that way OR it can be viewed the way it really is.

Notice in the beginning when he announces his new family plan that his "wife" is drawing a picture, she then states excitement to call Vivian. The name Vivian means "full of life" and in the art world that can only mean one thing.......adult entertainment.

Next, the middle aged son proclaims his excitement to call "skinny pete". Skinny Pete? Why is Pete so skinny and why would it be important to frequently call him? Maybe Pete is so skinny because HE'S A CRACK DEALER.

Then, the youngest son states that his father should be excited to call "the lady at my soccer games you always stare at". An open proclamation of infedility that neither the father nor the mother even flinch at. Great job at keeping the family togethor DAD.

Finally, we get to the sweet young girl who is excited to spend some time talking to Derek. Derek who is older and wiser than her. Derek who has a steady enough income to afford quality and stylish American motor cars and has introduced himself to the father while courting his daughter.

Daddy throws the breaks down on this guy? Why? He allowed an adult entertainer, a crack dealer, and his mistress to be involved in the "family plan" but not newly upstanding suitor Mr. Derek. I'll tell you why, he simply has some hair growing on his upper lip, thats why. And for some reason, this makes Derek a second class citizen. Is this what we want to teach our children? That people who are different from us deserve to be mocked and single for the rest of their lives?

We need to change America. This open-season on moustache hatred has got to GO. It's a real sad sign of our culture that we can not get past this and I can't for-see us breaking out of this economic depression untill we change the way we think and act.

Do you know who the last president was to have a moustache? Theodore "teddy" Roosevelt.....I'm pretty sure that he has his face on a little ol mountain in south dakota next to some other pretty nice guys. My how the mighty have fallen...

(single tear)

it's a slippery slope in the detergent aisle

"(in the narration voice for Goofy's instructional episodes) Ahhh yes, the modern supermarket. Everything the modern consumer needs under one roof in an easy to use system of aisles and checkout lines. What more could a person need to shop efficiently?"

Did you ever notice how many of those childhood tv show themes stick with you over time? The voice from that cartoon is in my self monologues all the time. I wasn't obsessed with them at the time, nor did I watch them over and over, but I think I found the way that he talked and explained things so humorous, that I often insert it when I am doing something routine. It allows me to come up with new ways to explain and humorize the dol-drums. I find that when you try to simplify things in an easy step by step format vs how it turns out; you are able to realize how complicated, unneccessary, and rediculous that some of the processes are or...can become, that you go through daily.



(I love the part at the 1:20-1:40mark)

Thus, my dilemma in the supermarket last night at 9pm was to select a detergent. WTF happened in this department. Why didn't anyone tell me that it was shrinking to 2x concentrate for everything. Personally, I know this is a scam. They keep the price per load the same and you know you are never going to believe that the detergent amount they specify is going to work, because it looks the same and probably is the same as the stuff they sold you a month ago only now it costs twice as much!

So here I am in a conundrum in aisle 10 trying to pick between my trust in Tide, which has gone full out 2x concentrated and value brand which isn't and the different load per bottle amount in each brand because I need a decent amount of laundry detergent, but I can't allocate 30 dollars on a bottle of soap per year. It exceeds my weekly soap budget by about 25 dollars, and who knows how well that 2x concentrated stuff is going to work? If I buy it and go through it in 2 months, I will have to buy another 30 dollars worth of detergent and now I am REALLY exceeding my soap budget.

So.........20 minutes later I walked out of the store with a package of 20 bars of ivory for 4 bucks and I am just gonna chuck like 3 of them in the washing machine and see what happens ;)

Papa was a Rodeo, mama was a rock and roll band

I'm a sucker and I can be sold on just about anything. The only benefit to this ability is that I can turn it around and sell others onto just about anything so long as I am A)believe in the product B) like the person C) feeling bored and D) probably on mass amounts of caffiene.

Where have I been getting suckered into recently? My evil iTunes and hipster indie music addiction is well documented on this blog. God help me if I ever get into some form of gambling. I'll be an after school special on network TV saying things like "I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING BRETT, TRUST ME!! YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO QUIT........TOO LEGIT! TOO LEGIT 2 QUIT(sobs uncontrollably while doing MC Hammer hand signs)

Just so you know the Brett in that story is Brett Favre. I picture him in a 35 dollar t-shirt with an autographed pig skin tossing it back and forth between his own hands in a bribe to get me to promise to try to kick the habit. It's my after school special, I'll do what I want. Including getting Sarah Michelle Gellar out of retirement to be my vampire killing GF. Cause I love hot women and I hate vampires. 2 birds, one stone kids. Gonna teach you youngins about the dangers of addiction and of single purpose women.

Anyway, I stumbled onto this band called The Magnetic Fields because someone says they are good so I believe them and thus think that they are. Remember? we started off this e-mail by saying I am sucker. I picture them as 70% The National, 20% Talking Heads, and 10% Beach Boys. But because its not a popular band; that means its another amateur video day on YFYB

That's Alex P. Keaton to you buster.

somehow I was doing some IMDB work on Tom Hanks and I stumbled across the fact that one of his earliest works was on Family Ties. One of the newest things IMDB has is direct video access to these episodes for free and in high quality.
I have heard about this episode before as one of his breakout performances that Tom Hanks had real talent, but had never seen it for myself. Despite the awful and obvious set-ups and awkward transitions of the script that are the signature early sit-com, Tom does a wonderful job. Just when you think the sit com style script is going to ruin the moment at the end, Hanks manages to make it feel like a real life moment.

Sorry it can't be embedded, but here is the link.
http://www.imdb.com/video/cbs/vi2332360729/

The autumn of our content (with pumpkins of course)

Welcome to the first day of Fall. I don't really consider it fall till there is the delicious scent of pumpkin in the air. Deliciously robust pumpkin. In fairness, I also realized that pumpkin may not be so delicious if it wasn't for cinnamon and sugar. I don't think I have ever tasted pumpkin without those other two involved, so I may not even like pumpkin, I may only like pumpkin+. Maybe thats another reason to like pumpkin even more, because pumpkin is a team player. "Hey sugar; lets have me, you and cinnamon get togethor and take 2 months by storm. We could own this country, but I need you guys to help me." And what do you know, they did it. They did it for us, and they did it for them. Are we all happier for it? You bet your ass we are.

Pumpkin: American Hero. A story by S. Vincent.

Busy busy this time of year. It seems like 16 hour days, 7 days a week aren't enough. I get the major stuff mostly done, but the minors like dishes, laundry, house cleaning, shopping, and personal hygiene is always a rat race. I am barely keeping my head above water and there is always one of theses that is in a disgusting shamble before I can grab hold and get in under control. I won't share with you which is falling behind currently, but every day, one of those maintenance tasks that most humans need to keep up with to be considered human is not happening. Aren't you glad I share?

As an iTunes freakshow, I have recently been toying with the new "Genius" feature. For those not hopelessly en-slaved by the Apple universe, Genius is a feature which takes the song you select and then tells you songs and albums they have that you should buy (Steve Jobs says: "make money money, make money MONEY!!") but then the real kicker is that they can also create a playlist from that song of other songs you have in your library that are similar to the selected song. Interesting and fun new feature.

I think the internet should create a feature like that for blogs. Such as You like YFYB?, you may also like retarded monkey's dancing videos on YouTube, poop jokes, naked pictures of Robert DeNiro, and horror movies involving green fiberous vegetables.

Something that scares me? The fact that Dooce is probably the blogger that I have the most in common with. I'm sure I need to read more blogs and get a wider scope, but her humor, taste in music, fear of religious fanatics, cavalier attitude towards implied responsibility, and sense of fashion is very very very similar to mine. She is a little more politically minded then I am, and she likes animals way more than I do, but other than that and the fact that she is a married woman with 1 child living in Utah. We are twins........ (S.Vincent looks to shoes and shakes head in an acknowledgement that he is one messed up tollhouse cookie)

what a glutton

I like to think that I never write till I have something complete and pure to write about, but based on most of my posts, it's obviously not the case. Sure, it would be nice if that was true so all 3 of my loyal fans could defend me by saying "well he may not put out that much material, but at least he doesn't pump out trash like your favorite blogger". That would make me feel special. Like one of those mercurial olympic champions that shows up outta no-where and destroys the world and then go back into relative hiding. Or like one of those writers or musicians who shows up every 4 years to drop off some masterpeice leaving fans to ponder the fantastic depth he or she must be in the darkest sections of the mind during all that time away. That's how you become a legend in the artistic field; 1 part talent, 2 parts shrewd image managment.

So what have I been doing the past 3 weeks? Being the opposite of deep and just skimming the cream of the internet crop. Wasting all my time reading others hard work, managing my 3 fantasy baseball teams, reading celebrity trash sites, watching instant movies on netflix, making cool music mixes, 2008 olympic rowing online videos, and writing recruiting letters to high school kids. Obviously, this is very consuming for me mentally, as I have the multi-tasking skills and intellegence of a lowly soldier ant.

I did notice one thing in all my time spent on my own enjoyment and that is how much I stalk blogs, and how my stalking is actually very very weak compared to other bloggers. I read my feed religiously and heres the funny thing. Half of them, I have given up interest on. Weird huh? Its like some kind of compulsion to continue to hope that something good will be there. Why? I guess it's because the internet is so inconsistent between "blah" and "awesome" that "guess and check" is the only reliable way to get a bunch of awesome in. Check as much as your patience can take and soak in as much awesome as you can.

This is why my RSS feed is loaded up with bloggers that I actually realize I don't care about anymore. I can't put my finger on it, but they lost me somewhere. They fail to bring up anything I care about or can relate to. Sometimes this is my fault for failing to recognize the bloggers main interests in life, and sometimes it is their fault for a variety of reason. Usually it entails getting too much into their day to day minutae without bringing up something of importance to the audience. Every story should have a point beyond "that annoys me" or "that makes me happy". They fail to answer the 5 W's and an H (who, what, where, why, when and how for the high school drop out readers of mine) with any skill or skip out on enough of them to make the story confusing or un-interesting to an outside reader.

I guess they win though, cause they fail at writing, and yet here I am still reading. So who is the bigger failure? As usual, it's S to the V.......

P.S: To confirm my suspicion that I am sadder than the bloggers I disapprove of; my main motivation for coming out of this temporary vacation was to post my new favorite song by "Kings of Leon" on SVTV. But seriously, how awesome are these guys live? Read my review of their last album here, but I am stoked for the next one.....

His mom must be so proud

cigarettes, matches, condoms and a week's worth of work for no pay......But it is awesome



Newer posts to come later in the week.

The Darkest Knight

I'm excited, you're excited, he's excited, she's excited, and they're excited. It opens today and we all love those summer blockbusters. When it comes to a movie I really want to see no matter what, I tend to avoid reviews, previews and advertisements. It's so much more exciting that wayI like to go into these types of movies completely fresh and untainted by the over-indulgence and crushing weight of media marketing even though this movie would make 100 million with no advertising at all. They should save the money.
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I always identified with the Joker. Jack Nicholson did a fantastic one in the 1989 original Batman. He was always over the top and who doesn't like a super villian that attempts to amuse and repulse at the same time? I am sure Heath Ledger will play a good one and I like the much more realistic look of a man who was disfigured by acid while commiting a burglary. There is also something much more disturbing and calculated about meeting anger with a smile then with a scowl. I have always adopted that priniciple myself.
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Why is it that every town thinks that they are the ones with the craziest weather and that all their citizens are tough as nails for living there? I hate that tacky crap.
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"well you know what they say, if you don't like the weather, just wait 15 minutes"
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I have heard that phrase used in connection with every city in the United States. People need to get out more and realize how lame and unoriginal they are.