Aisle 7, Celine Dion, and Canned Chicken

Ahhhh yes, the supermarket aka: Grocery Store, Just Store Name (stop and shop, trader joes), and The place where trailer trash buy Gin. Unlike the mall, I actually enjoy going to the supermarket. Since I am very observent and the master of perfecting menial/worthless tasks, I thought I would share some of the things I have learned and what goes on in my head during the modern day hunting trip.

First of all, an MP3 player should be required in the grocery store. An ecclectic mix of some sort of music that will affect your mood, and therefore your actions. This is a safe way of going to the store on drugs. It makes shopping different every time I throw hail marys to my cart with Splenda when I have Queen on, I ram my cart into the eggs when My Chemical Romance is on, and I cry next to the onions when Joni Mitchell is on. Plus, you can't really hear anything else, so you're bound to cause destruction to other shoppers with reckless shopping cart managment. (I have heard people call them "wagons" from time to time. Esqueeze Me?, wagons? , WTF are you talking about? Do you see a horse attached to it?)

If you don't have a music source, the supermarket music is actually entertaining only because of its comedy factor. I'll give you hundred dollars if you can stay in a major supermarket for an hour and not hear Celiene Dion at least once. Remember when she was just a dirty french canadian with bad teeth and bad hair? I think she should bring that look, back. Maybe I would respect her...then again, how about no, scott. She would still be a canadian wishing she was a chique french person and hoping no one remembers.

Now for 2 tips: The freshest food is placed on the shelves Saturday Morning. This is when the best produce has just been laid out, the meat and poultry area has been restocked, and the frozen foods have been replaced. They do this in preparation for the post church supermarket rush on Sundays. For some reason, the heathens who don't go to church, also like to shop on Sundays. Anyway, I highly suggest you make your grocery shopping trips sometime on Saturday and if possible early Saturday morning. Maybe make a stop on your walk of shame......whore-bag. Just cause you're engaging in reckless dangerous sex, doesn't mean you don't deserve first pick at the mango's.

Canned chicken breast is an awesome replacement for tuna fish. For some reason that I am not sure of, canned chicken is not a popular item. It tastes way better than tuna and it is just as easy to prepare as an awesome protien source instead of tuna. It doesn't need any fatty mayo to make it taste good and you don't have to worry about any mercury issues. Which, I have no idea if those are true or not, but the canned chicken is so much better theres no reason to even take a chance with fish anymore.

In my supermarket, the most dangerous aisle is Aisle 7. This is the salad dressing, oils, baking needs, spices aisle. There is almost always a dangerous mix of a powdered substance (sugar, flour, etc) mixed with oil or salad dressing on the floor. It's very slippery, can stain the bottoms of your homey-pants, and can be hard to see if you're not paying attention. I generally jump into my cart and pull myself along using the shelves. (WHAT! What are you looking at grandma? Get away from me or I'll beat you with your own orthopedic shoes.)

This post written while listening to: Jeff Buckley, Grace