More Human than You man.

If you are Sarah McLachlan, don't read this post. Actually if you are Sarah McLachlan, call me and we'll talk about it and then I can blog about my phone call with Sarah.

I hate animals. I read Fuck You, Penguin everyday and laugh my sick little heiney off.

Now don't get all bent out of shape. I don't run around abusing dogs or kicking cats or make squirrels target practice for my slingshot. I would never harm an animal unless it's for food or self defense. So this isn't some "lets kill and mistreat animals" post. It's a "lets back off on how cool pets are" post.

The main reason for such an aggressive stance? I am allergic to them.......All of them. Every single breathing land creature besides a fellow human (but still stay away from me) shuts down my airways with severe asthma, causes non-stop sneezing, and painful itchy and watering eyes. This is not a cute little flower pollen allergy or hay fever. This looks and feels like the monkey disease from Outbreak. A prescribed super dose of anti-histamine, means instead of 5 minutes of reaction time to animal dander, it gets pushed to about 30 minutes of time.

Does that mean that one single person cares about my plight? Of course not. They only care about their own needs to have the mastery over a creature who's lifespan is shorter than a Twinkee. Someone to ACT excited when they come home. They think allergies are not THAT bad. Oh really? I may not hurt your cat, but I don't have a problem giving you a punch to the ribs and euthanizing your old ass at the vet.

Where's the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to S.Vincent? Where's my tear jerking montage? Where's the photos of me looking pitiful and helpless? Where's my self righteous rent-a-cop to come pull me out of a dangerous home?

This whole tirade was started by last weeks "Stuff you Should Know": How hypoallergenic cats work. Basically, there are a bunch of scientist messing around with cat genes and breeding to create a cat that doesn't secrete the fluid that causes an allergic reaction. They figured it out and they cost about 4 thousand dollars and isn't guaranteed to work. It's not exactly surprising news in a society where we tinker with just about everything. The surprising thing was that ONE THIRD of cat owners are allergic to cats......

WHAT!?! Read that ish again and tell me you are not flabbergasted. I have had enough with the whole love my pets charade.

I find it absolutely RIDICULOUS that people would put up with their allergies or take unnecessary allergy medicine for a flea bag cat. A piece of fur that rubs on your legs, shits in the corner of your house, makes your house stink, and throws hair all over the place.

In a world where we all have trouble feeding, walking, cleaning, and entertaining ourselves and possibly other human beings. WHY are we wasting our time with animals that make 33 percent of us sick? Cats are not cool. Animals are not cool. This is why we built houses and fences, people!
Fucking EVOLVE already! We invented the wheel and the gun and shoes and pizza. We're better than this! Stop being friends with animals because A) They don't love you, they love your food. Think I am wrong? Put yourself in a car with the door open, and then put a bowl of food 50 yards away from you. Put your hungry dog/cat on the 25 yard line and see where it goes. B) You're making me hate you and a snarling dog or a hissing cat has nothing on 170lbs of S.Vincent fury.

Plus I can climb your fuckin fence