Haters Inc.
My diminutive training partner and I are an unstoppable force. We are determined, courageous, outgoing, fierce, intense, and persevering athletes who will stop at nothing.........to make fun of you. Sure, we also work our bodies harder than anyone we have met, but that's so boring. Working our physiques is the big picture in front of us, we can't help but see where we are going with that. Making fun of you is the mustard on the turkey sandwich that is our training. Without the turkey sandwich, we would have no reason to be at the gym, but its also not fun eating a turkey sandwich without a little zesty mustard now, is it? There was a section of dialogue in one of S.Vincents 150+ favorite movies, High Fidelity, that applies to our situation in a round-about sort of way.
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enlightened friend: "now, why would you sell this record to me, and not him"
record store guys: "because you're not a geek Lewis"
Enlightened friend: "you guys are snobs man"
record store guys: "no we're not"
enlightened friend: "yeah you are, you're elitists. You feel like the un-appreciated scholars, so you shit on people who know less than you."
record store guys: "nahh"
enlightened friend: "which is everybody"
record store guys: "yeah"
enlightened friend: "just sayin"
Do we feel bad about it? Yeah........well.......she does anyway. She has more moral fiber than I do. The only fiber I have is in my delicious Muesli cereal. I just see it as the cost of doing business in Haters Inc. Feel free to submit better ideas of what to talk about besides A) ourselves B) stupid people.
Gym Rule: Besides the fact that I had to wear flip flops the other night because I forgot my sneakers completely, it is definitly a gym rule that no beach wear is allowed. I have plenty of stock in the proper gym-wear attire fund, that I can get away with one mistake. But for those of you who are unsure of the difference between sand and sun and rubber mats and flourescent lighting, there is no bathing suits, tank tops on guys, sunglasses (I've seen it, and no, not on me) flip flops, large hats, seashell necklaces (soooooo 1995), or Vans allowed.
Gym Rule: Keep your genitals off the sink. It's gross and quite disturbing to see a grown man shaving his face or washing his hands at the sink, stark naked. This also goes for using the urinal stark naked. Rule of thumb is, you should never spend more than 2 mins stark naked unless you are actually in the shower. If you can provide ANY reason why you should be doing any of these things stark naked instead of with a simple towel around your waist. Feel free to try, but till then, you are as sick and twisted as the heroine addict that pees in front of my office.
Gym Rule: The Locker Room TV is to remain on sports programming at all time Maybe I am crazy,, I consider the gym a building of athletic endeavors. It just makes sense to me. Therefore, if you even dream about turning the TV in the locker rpom from sports programming to one of your shitty politics screaming heads talk shows or financial nerd debates, you better make sure you don't do it in my presence cause the TV will be turned back instantly, and a very dirty look will be cast in your idiot direction. C-SPAN/FoxNews is for your nerd kingdom, I have enough stress without listening to that overblown crap blaring in my ears while I am enjoying myself for 1 hour a day.
record store guys: "because you're not a geek Lewis"
Enlightened friend: "you guys are snobs man"
record store guys: "no we're not"
enlightened friend: "yeah you are, you're elitists. You feel like the un-appreciated scholars, so you shit on people who know less than you."
record store guys: "nahh"
enlightened friend: "which is everybody"
record store guys: "yeah"
enlightened friend: "just sayin"
Do we feel bad about it? Yeah........well.......she does anyway. She has more moral fiber than I do. The only fiber I have is in my delicious Muesli cereal. I just see it as the cost of doing business in Haters Inc. Feel free to submit better ideas of what to talk about besides A) ourselves B) stupid people.
Gym Rule: Besides the fact that I had to wear flip flops the other night because I forgot my sneakers completely, it is definitly a gym rule that no beach wear is allowed. I have plenty of stock in the proper gym-wear attire fund, that I can get away with one mistake. But for those of you who are unsure of the difference between sand and sun and rubber mats and flourescent lighting, there is no bathing suits, tank tops on guys, sunglasses (I've seen it, and no, not on me) flip flops, large hats, seashell necklaces (soooooo 1995), or Vans allowed.
Gym Rule: Keep your genitals off the sink. It's gross and quite disturbing to see a grown man shaving his face or washing his hands at the sink, stark naked. This also goes for using the urinal stark naked. Rule of thumb is, you should never spend more than 2 mins stark naked unless you are actually in the shower. If you can provide ANY reason why you should be doing any of these things stark naked instead of with a simple towel around your waist. Feel free to try, but till then, you are as sick and twisted as the heroine addict that pees in front of my office.
Gym Rule: The Locker Room TV is to remain on sports programming at all time Maybe I am crazy,, I consider the gym a building of athletic endeavors. It just makes sense to me. Therefore, if you even dream about turning the TV in the locker rpom from sports programming to one of your shitty politics screaming heads talk shows or financial nerd debates, you better make sure you don't do it in my presence cause the TV will be turned back instantly, and a very dirty look will be cast in your idiot direction. C-SPAN/FoxNews is for your nerd kingdom, I have enough stress without listening to that overblown crap blaring in my ears while I am enjoying myself for 1 hour a day.
YFYB update: I included a little e-mail subscription service on the fun section on the side. Its a real easy way to never miss a YFYB update. I know my thousands of subjects under the rule of my enlightened despot kingdom would appreciate that. They don't call me S.Vincent the Great for nothing ya know.
This Post written while listening to: Goldfrapp "Felt Mountain"
This Post written while listening to: Goldfrapp "Felt Mountain"
2 comments:
I don't know what part of the GIGANTIC sign next to the whirlpool that read "BATHING SUITS MUST BE WORN AT ALL TIMES IN THE WHIRLPOOL" that the old lady didn't think applied to her but I certainly know the parts to which she did not adhere.
Best. Diet. Tool. Ever.
Oh and the chiqua who changed the channel from ESPN to a sitcom in Spanish (with closed captions also in Spanish) was nearly lynched by an angry and sweaty mob of ellipticalers. Remote controls are not for everyone.
End rant.
most of the gym rule breakers are old people who don't give a damn about such things. My solution....no one recieving social security allowed within the gym boundaries unless you can pass a strict test that shows you have adequate sociological appreciation skills.
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