I got more legs than a bucket of chicken

No, I haven't been back on my wing kick, I just like that statement.....cause I do.....NOT. Anyway, it's becoming tougher and tougher to come up with witty and appropriate titles (read: tit-lees, hahahaha), but I will not give up just yet. It's just going to take a little extra effort, like Nicole Kidman moving from frumpy in Days of Thunder and Far and Away to; knock out in movies like The Interpreter.

If someone in customer service whips out a forced Ma'am or Sir. That's a codeword for "bitch" and "asshole".

I recently saw a commercial for clip on teeth. Have we gotten that self-conscious and lazy that we need clip on teeth now? It looks disgusting and if I catch someone with the clip on teeth, I am going to yell to the tree-tops and expose you.

you phoney

Speaking of phoney. Is it just me or are the make-up counters incredibly weird. I have no idea what the eff is up with those places. I've never really thought about it, but now that I have; I went down to the court and got a restraining order for myself for 100 yards. Not even mentioning the weirdo girls that work there. Unfourtunatly, I don't think I have the literary skills to capture this oddity, but maybe if you take a minute to analyze the next time you walk by, you'll be able to realize it too. The counters are a mixture of televangelist , plastic surgeons, and circus. They provide the belief, the ability, a little bit of tantilizing whackyness and viola!, a make-up counter.

Dove Bar: a type of Ice Cream and Soap, but never confuse the two.

Like everyone else, I hate doing stuff over and over. Cleaning things is anoying to me. I do it because I have to, but every once and a while, I'd like to get a break from laundry. Newman reveals why mailmen go crazy; "because the mail never stops!", I use this theory with laundry. I always have to wear clothes and always have to wash them. It's not like dishes, because you can always have disposable plates/order in. Wouldn't it be nice if there were disposable clothes? Shouldn't there be? And if there were, would my mom try to wash and save them like she does with all the disposable plates?

Just cause its a great word: muff

For all the sports fans out there. Can we get a petition togethor for Fox to put rat poisen in Joe Buck's coffee? I would say the petition should be for his resignation, but he would just find work on some other network to annoy the crap out of everyone. I am so sick of his self-righteous crap. He never played sports and he needs to keep his opinions concerning player and manager behaviour to himself. I know his dad was an announcer too, but he didn't suck. Anyway, I hate games called by him and if I ever see him, he can expect to be tackled and made to chain smoke until we have to remove his larynx.

Gym Rule: Listen; I know the spin classes are a good workout and I respect them. However, Lance does not do spin classes and he wouldn't walk around the gym in his bike shoes. If you want to do spin, great, but keep your bike shorts and shoes in the classroom or out in the road, and not in the weightroom. If you were a real cyclist, you'd be out on your bike and not in the classroom. Grow up.

Post Written while listening to: ESPN's "Baseball Tonight" (I don't have iTunes on the home comp yet)

Apocolypse: Now

It was a scorcher for Fathers Day here in the Hudson Valley. That means work on Monday is kill yourself day for me. I can't quite explain what it's like; the only thing I could compare it to would be an emergency room during the apocolypse. You can't prepare for it like a pizza place for a super bowl; because you have no idea when the first really hot day of the year is going to be. Anyway, the procedure for these kind of days is "Never let them see you cry". This is South Clinton St. creedo for both the prostitutes and the heating and cooling company. It means you treat everything as no big deal and let them scream at you while you calmly yes and ok them until their brain hemorhages with senior citizen rage. Some people take their AC way too seriously and they usually don't understand that A) you're the 500th person that has called for service today B) We only have 3 people to fix AC and at average1 hour per call, thats a 24 call limit, if we are lucky C) you're not going to die. Anyway, there is only two ways I have fun in this job: I can either have fun helping people who really appreciate help, or I can power trip on you by refusing to give service to someone watch you squirm for disrespecting me. It's up to you as you can see, either way I'm getting paid and going to have a good time.

I find it a little weird that wherever the Yankees go, the Yankees suck chant follows. Started in Boston (obviously) other teams have picked it up and use it. What I don't get, is that the opposing fans don't get that YANKEES FANS LOVE IT. Why are they always in your heads? Do you go to sleep thinking about them too? Do you prey to God about smiting the Yankees before the health of your Grandparents? It's weird. Seriously, all it shows is that the opposing fans are insecure about themselves and would rather make a weak attempt to taunt us, rather than focus on their own team. If they really want to disturb the Yankees, pretend they don't bother you. Little inside tip: attention is fun and enjoyable and whether it's good attention or bad attention, it is motivational. I think this chant is started by the band wagon/casual fans of teams (even in Boston) so I think the die-hards understood my point before I made it. It's still weird though. (Tonight: the philthy philly phans started it in the 5th inning when the phillies had the lead, now the yankees have a 2-run lead in the bottom of the 8th, who sucks?)

I recently acquired a sweet computer for The Dugout, as I like to call it. Its way nicer than I could afford and I have to give some big ups to my mom and her job perks for acquiring it for me. If I ever get published, I will acknowledge her and her boss in the book. Hopefully this means more blogs, but it probably doesn't. It certainly means more nudey pics and Fantasy Baseball.

Under the headline of "Who Hired this Guy?"; The recent TV advertising campaign for Kentucky Fried Chicken, uses the background music of Leonard Skynard's "Sweet Home Alabama" Did they think no one would notice it and just like it for its appropriate southern country twang?

It's pie...and chips.....for free

Just thought I would include a little picture of S.Clinton St. for you guys who love Po-Vegas so much. The herion addicts car is that blue station wagon on the right and a new item in the back is a big wheel. Which is great for 4 year olds to escape from the police.

It's a very nice day here in the Hudson Valley and that means that the local tend to get a little rowdy round these parts. A big whiff of summer time air in PK usually includes the slight tang of Mace fumes.

Got a few more gym rules for you.....

7: Leave your make-up case at home: You don't look cute, you look like a non funny clown.

8: If you think you look foolish, you're right: This is kind of vague and general, but if you're doing a class that has you skipping and clapping and dancing and you feel kind of stupid but think its okay because everyone else is doing it........you're wrong. You look like an idiot.

8a: Hey Bill Nye, you're not the science guy: Don't do exercises that you have never seen anyone else do or that you've never seen in a book/magazine, unless you have over 10 years of experience. Like rule 8, if you think you look foolish, you're right. This also goes for PT exercises which come from the depths of idiocy to keep you paying 100 bucks a session for "original groundbreaking techniques"

I was sure that when the creator of Calvin and Hobbes retired, he would be back sooner or later. But that was like 10 years ago now. I really miss that cartoon and The Far Side as well. I used to have books of their comics. Am I the only one that thinks that those two comics were huge back in the day and that comics have been useless since? Why is that? Am I not paying attention as much as I used to or is it just that there is no reason to anymore? All I know is I used to love my far side calender for the year that I got every x-mas and tearing off a new comic everyday.

Yankee Fans: A-Rod sucks but I had him on my fantasy team for his stats, not his clutch hitting. Now he is doing neither, so i will join you in the boo parade. Isn't Bernie Williams the best? Not baseball player, I'm talkin about handshake/slap guy. He's got a different one for everybody on the team and my favorite is with Johnny Damon in which they both do a little jig that looks like they ride a horse. Downright hilarious. I also love when bernie slides in the field or on a base when he pops back up with the stylish flair. Jason Giambi homers are the best because you get to see the un-coordinated Jason home-run trot. Why is he always soaking wet? Does he take showers inbetween innings and not dry himself off? Either way, those two guys are the best and I'm glad they are here to stay.

This post written while listening to: INXS "Kick"

a watched keyboard never creates funny titles

This message is for HBO, Showtime, Cinemax, Encore, Starz, etc subscribers only. Have you ever been channel surfing and stumble across a movie that looks cool, like a murder mystery or something and you get into it and then all of a sudden they go through some twisted drug montage and midgets with surgical gloves on their heads start doing dances and stuff and you don't know what the heck is going on anymore? You watch for like another 45 mins hoping that something your seeing is gonna make sense and they are gonna pull it back to the original story and then a girl with bic pen for an arm wanders around an empty pool for like 10 minutes. All hope is lost, an hour and 45 minutes of your life is wasted.

Usually what pulls me in to these movie practical jokes is that there is a recognizable face in the movie. Not a big star, but an actor/actress with "That guy" status. The actor you've seen in probably 6-7 movies but always as a bartender or uncle or something with like 10 lines of dialogue. You recognize his face, but have no idea what his name is. (This is Danny Trejo by the way, a signature evil Mexican guy in any movie)

What I want to know is who throws money at these pictures? Is there like a completely stoned millionaire with nothing better to do with his money? Is there a production company owned by 14 year old mushroom eaters? Who signs off on this garbage, and more importantly why do the movies channels show it? I like to consider myself cultured, but there is such a thing as making art that people have a chance of understanding. That's why poop in a diaper isn't art to anyone but Bea.

This post written while listening to: Seu Jorge "Life Aquatic-Studio Sessions"

A day that shall live in infamy!

Maybe some of you have not gotten around to reading yesterdays post, but it was one of a kind. I did it over-dosed on cough medicine and about 16 hours of sleep. As you can see the syntax, spelling, typographical and grammatical errors are about 2-3 times more prevelant than any post before. I thought about trying to edit it today, but the blogger software sometimes screws up when you do that and I kind of like the sick/over-medicated post. It should give me some street cred as they say in the NBA. What an effin joke that is.

Reading it today, I don't even know what the heck I was talking about. But, since I feel much better today, I thought I would post again in a more honest and healthy effort.

Speaking of Street Cred......Idiot Athletes strike again! Ben Burgerbrain got himself into a motorcycle accident not wearing a helmet and managed to break every bone in his face and JJ "I'm the sensitive educated athlete" Redick got himself a DWI. Since I am a coach, I talk about this kind of stuff all the time. It's such a simple concept to me that I don't understand why other athletes don't get it. It makes a person like me just want to scream like a crazy person cause it makes you feel crazy when you feel like the only one doing something. People nod their heads at you and say they understand and yes it makes perfect sense and they don't get it either and then.......they're right on the other side doing the stupid thing you just spent 4 hours talking about. Anyway, here is what I think happened sometime around 25 years ago. The roles/priorities switched.

It used to be that being an athlete was a cherished thing. People idolized what they did and how they did it and their talent and their ability to perform and act beyond the normal human being. It was a position that was respected and those who wanted to be athletes held themselves to a much higher standard than regular people. Basically an athlete had the same sort of personality and values as a priest, soldier, astronaut, etc. that knew that they were special and had to follow rules and guidelines that WERE different if they wanted to BE different. Being an athlete required much much more than a standard human effort. Thats what made them great, thats what made their legacies live on and on. Gehrig, Bird, Jordan, Gretsky, Rice, Dedrickson, Redgrave etc. considered athletics more than just an activity, it was their job 24/7, and they treated it as such.

Now, I don't know how this happened. I have a few theories but nothing hard proven; but somehow athletes now believe they have a right/responsibility to act like a normal person. However, their perception of what that is is skewed by the fact that they have superiority complexes without the intelligence or the title to back it up. . They don't want to go to bed early and treat their bodies with respect and stay away from drugs, parties, suspicious characters, dangerous situations. In fact, they think that they get to party more so than normal people and they have some kind of "right" to do so. Movies and current stars hype up that the athletic life is supposed to be rock starish. Drugs Sex etc. If you look deep enough, you see that the REAL athletes don't act this way or anything like it.

I think its because sports has been much more inclusive these days than in the past. Every single kid is on some kind of sports team these days. The amount of people in college these days is nearly double the amount of 25 years ago, which doubles the amount of college athletes. The lack of quality coaching and quality athletes has created a new animal. The values got lost in an effort to make everyone feel included and now a bunch of people who have no right considering themselves "athletes" are athletes and have changed the values for all their teammates which includes the real athletes. Its the same sort of thing as a small business expanding too fast for its own good. Quality goes down as production increases beyond the means of control. Defects/bad product increase 2 times as much the amount the company expanded.

How do we fix it? Better coaching, less athletes, better role models in pro sports. We all chastise people like Bobby Knight, Bear Bryant, Coach K for being too hard on the athletes. Basically, the athletes are way too pampered at the basic level and there needs to be a radical move back to the past. Discipline once they are already in is almost useless if coaches and athletes don't start chaging the way the athletes are developed to begin with. The discipline doesn't change the way people think and act, just punishes them for what they do. The hype and image of how athletes act is in a viscious cycle of mediocre and bad athletes acting the hyped/skewed image and taking all the athletes down with them through peer pressure.

The media can't help us because the major sports are way to infested with bad seeds and they wouldn't have anything to show if they secluded the athletes who are problems. So the movement has to be from the ground up.

New blogger of the week is updated today too. Is she available? I would marry her in a second. Then again, I would marry a Krispy Kreme in a second too.........Maybe she likes guys who would marry Krispy Kremes?

This post written while listening to: Sufjan Stevens "Come on Feel the Illionoise!"

Can you smell..... what the Rock is cookin?

I think the world needs more of the Rock these days. There are far too many affeminate men out there in entertainment and a little bit of the rock in all his glory would go a long way.

I have beent hinking about putting up a list of Gym Rules for dummies ever since I started this blog and I am just now getting up the confidence to start writing it down formally. I take this very seriously and I would not want for it to be some half assed attempt that I would curse myself for later on. However, all this pent up aggresion is finally starting to get to me and I think that since it is the gym season and summer is upon us, that I put soemthing togethor for all the amateurs out there.

The most important thing to remember is that you can't be saved from yourself. The easiest way to not look like a d-bag in the gym is to not have d-bagness in your genes to begin with. These rules will not help you not be a d-bag if you are one, because these are just very general simple things having to do with appearance and basic techniques that only scratch the surface of an entire person. They cannot save you from yourself or change who you are. If you notice that you have broken or consistently break some/all of these rules, just stop going to the gym; there is no help for you.

1: More Clothes is always better than Less. This is probably the one cardinal rule to help you from getting ridiculed. The gym is a microscope, everyone looks at everything, and you can bet all the money you have that if you are not a 14 session per week member that you are not the best looking physical specimen there. So keep your pasty skin, fat rolls, and hair under some clothes. You are there to sweat anyway so you might as well get the most of it. When in doubt, wear more clothes. It keeps the equipment dry too.

2: Tank Tops/Sports Bras are for competitors only. You do not get to wear a tank top or a sports bra as your top unless you are a competitor in a show. They are the only people who know why they are wearing a tank top to begin with, therefore they are the only one allowed to wear them. If you wear a tank top, it means that you have something that you want to be seen. So unless it is something special enough for a panel of judges, keep it covered. You are not outside in the heat of the sun, and the gym is never over 70 degrees, so you are not over heated. Cover your sausage arms and backfat please. In a perfect world only about 5% of the gym membership would be allowed to wear less than baggy t-shirts and pants.

2b: Your clothes should make sense: You don't wear pants and a tank top unless you are a competitor doings arms. You don't wear tight shorts unless you are a competitor doing legs. You are there to work out a specific area so your outfit should reflect that. But refer to rule #1 in all outfit decisions.

3: Gloves are for Fags: I don't like using such a un-PC word, but it's true. Gloves are the first sign that you don't have an effin clue about working out. If you are a rower, think gloves while rowing, same principle applies. The fitness magazine photos show people wearing gloves because they are paid to do so, not because they actually use them.

4: Shut your effin mouth: Keep your theories about fitness to yourself unless you are a pro card owner. If someone asks, speak softly and don't advertise yourself. There is no one way that anyone has been successful at physical fitness, so if you think you've got it figured out, you are wrong and presuming otherwise shows you're a stupid ass. Remember, being a non-d-bag would prevent you from doing this in the first place.

5: Be Aware of your Surroundings: This covers a lot; means that you are in gym, so you should be working out and not talking and parading yourself around. It also means you should be working out with some semblance of a pland and put the weights back where they belong adn that other poepl are probably waiting to use the machine that you are using.

6: A little grunt when you have 400lb on the 5th rep of a squat is okay. On the first rep of 30lb dumbbell curls is not. Grunting, wheezing, yipping, etc. is very annoying, stupid and useless 90% of the time. You never ever grunt unless you absolutely have to. this should be your last dying noise you make. So if you grunt more than once in a set, you're an idiot.

Tried to keep it basic for now, and I may add more if I notice something in the next couple of days that I forgot.

I know I'm a bum right now, and thats all I have to say about that.

MI:3 is the best movie I have seen this summer so far (and I have seen them all). I know alot of people have bad feelings about Tom Cruise and that is understandable, but put it behind you. The guy is an actor in a movie. Don't sacrifice your enjoyment cause the guy is a lunatic in his outside life.

S.Vincent has been coming to cities near you on many weekends so keep your eyes out for him. He is the traveling loser and has been making trips all over every weekend this summer. He is sick from lack of sleep and allergies, but he's tan and has been sporting a faux hawk which is a red light on the the dashboard of the fun-mobile. 80's hits and independent jams on the iTunes and a lack for the self esteem of others and you have a prime time performer.

Rotten Tomato Time: I think I have covered this before in fact I am almost certain of it. But since it just happened again and I am stillso very angry about it. Don't ever tell me what the eff you do for a living over the phone. I could not cate less at all and it only make me angry that you have the ego to think that your job would have any bearing on how I am going to treat you, respect you or set up work for you. I HATE it.

This Post written while listening to: Bloc Party "Silent Alarm"