The Designated Wiseman

Recently, Johnny Damon has taken over as the New York Yankees primary Designated Hitter. He replaced the Yankees long time DH Jason Giambi due to Jason's inury to his achilles tendon. Trying to get some tips on how to handle his new position, Johnny called the injured veteran to see if he had any advice. Luckily for Johnny, Jason was more than happy to help. The following is a dialogue of that conversation..........

Johnny Damon: Yooooo big guy, you got a few minutes to talk shop?

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Jason Giambi: Yeah sure, I got 15 minutes before I take my midnight duke-a-roo.

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JD: Perfect. I was wondering if you had any advice on how I do this DH thing. I feel a little out of my element, and you've been doing it forever, so I figured you know the job inside and out.

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JG: You bet your virgin ass I know it inside and out. True story: one time DH'd in hell. I hit Satan's curveball deep and he sent me back up here to play ball with you chumps. Anyway, what seems to be giving you the biggest problem?

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JD: It seems like I can't pick up the spin on the ball till my 3rd or fourth at-bat. I feel like I am always behind the pitcher.

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JG: I used to have that problem too till I actually started going to batting practice. But heres the key, you don't actually have to hit cause you don't want to get too tired before the game. Just stand on homeplate and have Farnsworth hit you in the chest with his 95mph fastball. Keep your eye on the ball to pick it up out of the pitchers hand and visualize swinging. Sometimes Farney doesn't hit me hard enough and I go out there and make him lick my bellybutton and call me "The real Big Papa", that Mary.

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JD: Uhh, I don't know if I will do that per se, but I will think about and definitly take more swings in BP than some of the other guys.

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JG: Whatever dude, different strokes for different blokes. That's just what works for me.

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JD: I Appreciate it. Now, what do you do when the team is on the field and you are on the bench? It's gotta be a little boring.

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JG: Oh man, there is so much to do if you put your mind to it. Practical jokes are my favorite. Sometimes, I pee in the gatorade cooler. You can call up the announcers in the booth and tell them their wives died. Or even go back into the clubhouse and hide one of Mussina's docksiders. There are sooooooo many jokes. Do me a favor will ya? Fill the insides of Hideki's batting gloves with super glue and when he puts them on say "Domo Arrogato Mr. Roboto" and do the robot dance. He'll know what that means.

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JD: Wow, thats a pretty funny joke. Wait a minute, was that you who replaced my after-shave with piss?

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JG: Uhhhh, no. That was ummmm, Melky I think, yeahhhhh.

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JD: You son of a bitch. I guess theres nothing I can do about it now, though. How do you handle the coaches when it's just you and them in there?

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JG: Well you wanna stick to talking to Donny Baseball. He's the man, hes got all these old war stories. Like having sex with a tiger and making half tiger-half Donny Baseball babies. One time, he challenged the Pope to a dual, but the Pope pussied out, so Donny made him wash his jocks for a month. He also has some great dirty jokes involving young children, I won't spoil it for you though, just ask him.

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JD: Okay, I guess that's must see entertainment. What about Joe though?

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JG: Don't talk to Joe, one time I asked him if he had a minute to talk and he yelled at me to sit down and shut up or he'd check my gym bag for drugs again. Then one time he thought I was looking at him funny, so he made me drink all the pee gatorade. He said if I didn't he would tell Steinbrenner I was the one who left a floater in his personal bathroom. He's loco dude, steer clear.

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JD: Sounds tense, I'll make sure I don't piss him off. Is there anything else I want to stay away from?

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JG: Oh yeah. Number 1, don't call for hookers from the bullpen phone. They can trace those calls. B) Don't make fun of the errors that the guys make in the field. None of them can take a joke at all. They are so uptight about their fielding. I dunno why, its not like it's a big deal. Lastly, you want to stay away from skid marks on the pinstripes when you take your mid game poop, I use A-Rod's towel and butt floss, works every time. Clean as a whistle.

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JD: Thats all good stuff J-man, I really appreciate it. I feel much better about going out there now.

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JG: Anything for a lady. I gotta go make a chocolate hamburger now. Catch you later

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JD: hahaha, you're gross.

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JG: Whatever, everybody poops, you're mommy told me so. Oh, and by the way; nice haircut....fag (click)

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End of conversation

This post written while listening to: The Beastie Boys "The Mix Up"