The day everyone sucked; one week later....

It's one week after valentines day and I'm still not over it. Total number of Valentines received: 0, total number of punches to genitals of flirtsy couples: 62. I know you're probably thinking "Oh here we go, another sob story from some loser who thinks no one loves him", and to that I have in response; "Why don't you date my dog feces, poindexter?" (cue polly taking a dump on your 2007 Air Jordans) The reason why Valentines Day sucks is cause it's a crock, not because I don't have some skank to spend money on and treat me as an inanimate object.

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I have had numerous discussion with some people classified under the male gender, few of which who still had their manhood due to a "relationship". I presented them with one question, "how was valentines day?". 100% of the subjects tested answered with "good/alright, I got (name of skank) a (insert some object between 70 -300 dollars) and we went out to dinner at (someplace better then mcdonalds, so 50 dollars worth of skank fuel)"..... I then presented them with this question; "oh cool, what did you get?" They then responded with "a card" or "nothing". This is why Valentines is a stinky pile of baby poop of a day, not because you are alone. I had a awesome Valentines Day, I stayed at home and watched "That Thing you Do" on one of my 15 movie channels I can afford cause I wasn't spending over a 100 bucks on my skank and getting nothing in return but irrational and illogical mouth garbage about how she feels either in a whiney voice or in some fruity Hallmark card. Bitter? no way, more like thankful of another year in which I dodged the bullet of "the modern female."

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It used to be that you could treat a woman like garbage and spend a bunch of money on her and we'd call it even. Hence the reason for holidays like Valentine's Day, Anniversary's, and Secretary's Day. Somewhere around the late 70's this stuff got turned against us and for some reason society decided that women deserved more; of all things. Now, they all walk around like K-Fed's with boobs, expecting stuff from men despite lack of talent, and then crying "foul play" whenever they don't get their way. Surprisingly, they got 90% of the knuckle-draggers out there being "yes dear's" to this whole fiasco. Well, thats super duper for them and all, but I'll step up to the plate when the umpire starts calling the balls and strikes and not the pitcher. Till then, I'll be at home.....watching Christian Slater movies, reading The Superficial and having a grand ol time.

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This is complete satire Mom, so no angry e-mails : ) ..........

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This post written while listening to: The Knife "Silent Shout"

Breaking News: I'm the father of Anna Nicoles Baby.

Tons of foul weather in the home town today. Which means the roads belong to S.Vincent and his reckless SUV. I refuse to let weather stand in my way of being a nuisence to everyone in the county, and from claiming my rights as the father of young Dannielynn. Anna and I had a romantic escapade involving a dozen creme-filled donuts and some injectable horse tranquilizers. I have numerous witnesses to support that Anna and I have a regular donut and horse tranquilizer habit, and when the two of us met, it was an explosive love affair. I think her mother and the dog were there too, but on horse tranqulizers and custard, I saw Grimace there too, so who knows. I am very sorry for her death but I want to make sure that young Danniholiwhassit is well provided for and with the natural father, which is me.

My favorite part of going to the gym (besides hotties, tanning, sneezing on people, and giving wedgies to old women) is to make up new nicknames for people that they will never know. Here are a few examples of names that I use with a straight face...... Senior D-bag, Muscle Mania, Muscle Mania sr., Punk Rock, The Alien, Puffer, Ball Girl, Muffin Top, Slut Cake, Nascar Bob, and Smoker Bob. I feel like a mother of a newborn baby everytime some freak shows up and becomes worthy of nickname. However, I do not enjoy these people.....with the exception of ball girl. Their nicknames are created because they drew attention to themselves through negative attention, and thus I dislike them. I give names to my pain and frustrations, and these are the names I give them.

How does a gas pump know when your tank is almost full? There must be some sort of simple technology at play since they've had this feature since 19 dickity 2, but I'll be damned if I can figure it out.

Some of you may be looking for the secret to my witful words and elegant writing style. Well I can tell you that it would not be possible if not for my fantastic keyboard with its soothing mechanical key-strokes that click like an old friendly type-writer. The soothing rythem allows my mind to wander to peaceful places that spread my imagination wide across the plains like smooth peanut butter on toast. If you enjoy using your computer and have the means, I highly suggest picking one up.

Its been a decade now, and I still need to know the motivation behind wearing your pants like this on a daily basis. Its not cool or comfortable or attractive. It is the picture of idiocy. Seriously, state your case.

If you need to know whether or not the Grammys is a respectable awards show, all you need to know is that the Dixie Chicks won the award for Album of the Year. In other news; I am giving the local toothless hooker with the face tattoo and 50 inch waist the award for Northeasts best looking person. Give me a primetime network slot and some validation in name only please. I know thats a real easy joke to make, ha ha the grammys are stupid haha, but it really makes me angry that country shit gets album of the year; and year after year something allows them to make a decision on musical talent despite a horrendous record of decision making. I support pollution of rivers more than I support decisions made by this "academy".

This Post written while listening to: Arcade Fire "Neon Bible"

I'm tired from smuggling raisens all week

I found this site while I was looking for some picture that could maybe capture the essence of the frozen hudson valley. Seriously dude? You made a plow for your bike and made a serious website about it? Your High school physics teacher just shot himself at the thought of you as a former student.
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Feeling instantly cooler than that guy, I can now begin my own nerd ramblings in safety.

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So its really cold in the northeast but it supposed to let up soon. I nearly died while I tried to pump some gas into my car which feels about as energetic as I do in this cold. Anyway, a tip for all you kids is that you should not put your lips on the end of the metal gas pump in sub 30 temps, your lips will stick right to it. Even if the gasoline does warm your belly. I only filled up my stomach and tank half way because I couldn't stand out in the cold a second longer. I'll fill up all the way once it gets above 35 again.

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So I was watching a music video in between sets at the gym and unfourtunatly Ashlee Simpson is on. Suddenly, I was overcome with horror, and not just because shes got as much muscial talent as a homeless guys butt after eating soup kitchen beans. There was a scene in this video where Ashlee is working out with a personal trainer and lo and behold, we are wearing the same shirt. Led Zeppelin circa 1977 Tour shirt, one of my absolute faves. I wanted to crawl in a hole and die and write ashlee simpsons name in blood on the walls plus some profanities and maybe a picture of spongebob square pants. Anyway, I hoped no one else saw and rightfully moved myself up to the eliptical at an easy pace for 15 mins with a teen people magazine and my pink ipod with my destinys child workout mix. Apparently its where I belonged. A small essence of proof that I'm not shitting you, as if I could really make up a story like that anyway.

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Another funny story about this shirt that happened before I saw Ashhole wearing it, was that it attracted the scary looking girl in the deli to me. She said "awesome shirt" to me while giving me double rock on signs. I was blown away, I could only come up with a single rock on symbol and a thanks in reply. Apparently, led zeppelin is big with the 5'9 and 92lb possible drug addict girls. Not sayin I would kick her out of bed for eating crackers, cause if she likes led zepp and knows what the shirt looks like from 50 yards away with a jacket over it, shes got something 99% of girls don't. I'm just not sure if they make anti-biotics for what else she might have.

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New blogger of the week updated!

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This Post Written while listening to: Ashlee Simpson