Olde Time Internet humour

I had a buddy in college that used to find the best internet stuff ever. PS....this is before google and blogs and facebook were invented, so it was a major feat for us old timers.
,
This is a copy paste job from http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=irule, so it's not my original material. However, since I have used it for years, I think I have some rights to it under the squatters rule. Readers Note: This is much funnier if you read it aloud. I work myself into a Robert Downey Jr. impression and then pause for dramatic effect before saying F!! real loud. Even better if you can read it while a friend looks on.
.
I am better than your kids.

If you work in an office with lots of people, chances are that you work with a person who hangs pictures up that their kids have drawn. The pictures are always of some stupid flower or a tree with wheels. These pictures suck; I could draw pictures much better. In fact, I can spell, do math and run faster than your kids. So being that my skills are obviously superior to those of children, I've taken the liberty to judge art work done by other kids on the internet. I'll be assigning a grade A through F for each piece:



Megan, age 4
First of all, I don't even know what this is. If it's supposed to be a dog, then it's the shittiest dog I've ever seen. F





.












Kyle, age 8
You spelled America wrong asshole. Also, I could have sworn America's colors were red, white and blue. There's no yellow anywhere, traitor. F








.





Lisa, age 6
Holy shit, I almost had a seizure when I saw this one. Three words: too many colors. Also, eggs aren't supposed to have ears, dipshit. F














Cameron, age 4
Terrible. F

]





.











Bryce, age 10
This one wouldn't be too bad if the color were kept inside the lines, you picked a new perspective, used non-abrasive colors and asked someone with talent to paint it for you. On one hand I want to give an A for effort but.....F


>









Jon, Age 8
Ding Ding! Here comes the shit-mobile. I've never seen a fire truck that needed to be shaved. I would rather be burned to death than be saved by this hairy piece of shit.

F


.




Rachel, age 7
That's interesting, everyone in this picture is white. Even the rainbow is white. Perhaps in an ideal world, everyone would be white isn't that right, Rachel? Or should I call you RACIST?
Nice try, Hitler. F



.







Jason, age 6
This one would receive an "A" if the assignment was to throw as much random shit onto a paper as poorly as you can.

I've pissed patterns on snow that look more coherent than this...F



,










Seth, age 4
Vrrrroooooooooooommmmmm!!!...F!





,


Kelly, age 9
This was a Christmas gift from Kelly to her parents. Good job Kelly, now pack up your shit and find a foster home. If my kids tried to pass this off as a gift, they'd come home from school and find all their shit outside in a box. What a lousy gift, seriously. You give them video games and toys, and they give you some half-assed drawing with a crooked tree. I wonder how much a gift like this would set someone back. Five, maybe ten minutes to find a napkin and some markers? F

.
I win. When I go into work next, I'm going to surprise all my co-workers and put up pictures of myself instead of their ugly kids and their inane drawings.

The Grinch(internet) stole Christmas

There is a common theme that happens at my place of employment involving everyone but S.Vincent. Everyone YELLS all THE TIME! Despite my anxious web scribblings, I am actually a very Zen like creature when it comes to my physical actions. I wake up very early, I go to sleep late, and there are many hours of intense labor inbetween. I don't have the energy to talk above a normal speaking voice, something my co-workers are oviously unable to control. It's absolutely deafening in the office, no exageration, and I can't even move because the volume paralyzes me. Between co-worker yelling at co-worker, bosses yelling at customers, co-workers yelling on the cell phone, bosses yelling on their cell phone, my co-worker yelling at himself, and crack addicts outside yelling at the garbage cans, I feel like I am riding in the landing gear of a 747 everyday. Its not even angry yelling, its just talking in a EXTREMELY loud voice. Someday I am going to stand up in the middle of it all and just scream "ALL IS WELL, REMAIN CALM, ALLLL ISS WELLL!!!!!"

>

The internet ruined my christmas. For the past week, I have been hounding Amazon.com to find a gift for everyone on my list. It took me about 3 days to collect it all and then on Monday I was ready to hit CHECK OUT. Well only 4 of my 15 items were able to get here before christmas EVEN if I used 1 day shipping. What the Reindeer-Fuck is that? Now I have to trek my ass to the mall with every other idiot out there to buy christmas presents that I will be settling for, instead of being excited about. That's more work for less satisfaction. Screw it! Everyone's getting kisses this year. DEAL WITH IT GRZY!

>

The album review has once again driven more hits to this site then in the previous month. I am getting almost double the traffic that I usually do. Probably because people are copy-pasting my idiocy into e-mails to their co-workers and friends saying "Look at what this idiot said, lets go stab him with a rusty spoon and poop in his car". Either way, I am blog rolling today to hopefully get some of my internet buddies some biz-nass, and that will be their christmas present, unless they come to my house in which I will also give them a kiss. DOUBLE PRESENTS! So check that out over yonder......(right hand side of the page dummy.....no, your other right)

>

ALBUM REVIEWS

>

As many albums as I bought; there are a bunch sitting in my shopping cart right now that I didn't buy. (There's a pants-shitting surprise) Some of them are very popular choices and will probably be on a bunch of "album of the year" lists. Unfourtunatly, Superman turned down my offer to do his "fly around the world in the opposite direction, and thus reverse time or destroy the earth's gravitational center and send it hurling off into the universe manuver", so I am stuck. In the next post I will go over the UNRATED version of the album review. You see what I did there? I figure if it can work for "American Pie", it can work for S.Vincent.

>

10-Ray LaMontagne "Gossip in the Grain": Looks like jesus, sings like christians think jesus would sing like. He could make a killing singing church songs. Probably make more money and be more popular then he is now. Appearances aside, this is a better version of classic Ray LaMontagne. (When Grzy told me about this guy during his first album, he said "it's spelled like Lasagna, only it's LaMontagne" and I actually knew exactly what he meant) His previous albums have been a great example of his talent with a simple guitar and great signing voice. They are really good, but what pushes Gossip over the edge is it's production quality. He has background singers and full band sets and a wider variety of styles to show off his skill set across different platforms. But, its still got its classic LaMontagne feel. It's like LaMontagne on Steroids!! Call the cops! I Really like "Sarah" (weeper love song) "Hey Me, Hey Mama" (extra hill billy folksy) "A falling through" and "Roses and Cigarettes"

>

9-Vampire Weekend (self titled): This is the first 2008 release album I bought in 2008 and it seems like that was forever ago. I liked it immediately. It was cool, easy, simple tunes that had a real fresh sound with plenty of new band enthusiasm. But I wasn't blown away by anything. They don't build to big rocking highs or slow it down real nice or have crazy lyrics or some cool new method. It was like this ever chugging pretty enjoyable music machine, with no real defineable attribute. Over time I moved on to more exciting options. So why did you put them here, you ask? Well this is a pizza album, as I like to say. Even bad pizza is still better than a lot of other bad things, and mediocre pizza is great, and good pizza is really really great. Pizza might never be gourmet cuisine or something to brag to your friends about eating, but it's not supposed to be. Basically this album does enough things that involve not screwing anything up, having a real good and unique sound, and not trying to be anything more than really good pizza. I challenge you to NOT like it. Every track is solid (except for the one that oddly enough has the same name as my sister, and thus, creeps me out) and if I had to name their music, I would call it "Ivy Rock". Cause they only sing about fun school times, use stuff like violins and weird keyboards, and they all went to Columbia. So yeah, I just did that.

>

8-The Tallest Man on Earth "Shallow Grave": Ahhh, what a pleasant album. TMOE is a guitar plucker, country twang/howl folk singer. He sounds a lot like Bob Dylan so if you are a Bob Dylan fan, you HAVE to buy this album. I had a tough time picking between Vampire Weekend and TMOE for this spot, and what clinched it for him was the sudden death tie breaker in which I check the playcount on iTunes. I listened to this album 8 more times than Vampire Weekend, so there you go.

TMOE is not at all tall in stature, as evidenced by this photo which Grzy sent to me while he was at his concert. I was so upset with him for living in a large city and thus having only 15 min drives for Live music. It really makes me laugh whenever I see it. Don't you just love the cute little bugger already? And he sounds like a little old "general store" man. His album is a series of simple love folk songs with lyrics that highlight missed lovers, attraction, investigation, admiration, and journeys. Its your basic folk album, but it seems much less bland than a basic folk album and I really can't say enough about the twing twangy guitar plucking. It really sets the album off on a good foot. Love "Pistol Dreams" "I won't be found" and "The Gardener"(My Favorite)

>

7-MGMT "Oracular Spectacular": One of the rare finds that I got from a free iTunes single of the week. See kids? There is a point to downloading those songs! Ha, in your defense they are crap most of the time, but every once and a while you can find a little golden nugget like MGMT. You've all heard "Time to Pretend" which is the highlight of this album, but there are actually a ton of good songs to accompany it. I am not sure if it counts, but I got a deluxe version which has some other really good songs on it that may not be on most of the albums. What makes this album unique is the way that they sing with a echoey howl and electro music. Plenty of good builds in all their tracks and kind of a bizarro version of Vampire Weekend, in that it sounds like Vampire Weekend only a little more eccentric, experimental, and with specific build up points and more instrumentation. They aren't so hot live, but they are new, so give them some time to refine it. But I think this album may have "one hit wonder" written on it. Usually the people who are not good live, don't have enough chops for more than one album. Thankfully, they released a hum-dinger. There are a few duds but the hot tracks are hot. "Time to Pretend" "Kids" "Electric Feel" "Destrokk" "The Youth"

>

6-Jack's Mannequin "The Glass Passenger": (cue 15-18 year old teenage girls screaming) I admit that this is a little girly. But if you didn't know that and just tried to enjoy some pf the well crafted pop-music from a good musician (featuring piano, which I am a sucker for), then you will like this album a whole lot. It sounds similar his first album under this band-title but a little more musical, if that makes sense. Deeper cuts, more sound, more instrumentation, less vocal priority. They are sing a long songs, and I am always glad when I can actually hear and understand each one. Sometimes you need music like this which you like from the start and is easy to get into no matter what the occasion. I am pretty guarded with my music (despite the blog where I talk about it all the time) because you can take a lot of flack for what you listen to. I listen to everything, but as far as what I recommend to the public, I stay on the safe road. This album is safe because even if you don't really like it, you wouldn't be confused as to why someone else would. If Vampire Weekend is pizza, then this is ranch dressing. You may prefer other types of dressing, but you aren't gonna make reaching noises at the guy who puts it on his salad. Best Tracks are "Crashin" "Annie Use your Telescope" "Caves" "Miss California" and "Drop Out/So Unknown" "Hammers and Strings"

>

I would check back on Saturday for 5-1. The weather in PoVegas is a suckfest, so I may be trapped inside with nothing to do. No guarantees in PoVegas though.

That's Alex P. Keaton to you buster.

somehow I was doing some IMDB work on Tom Hanks and I stumbled across the fact that one of his earliest works was on Family Ties. One of the newest things IMDB has is direct video access to these episodes for free and in high quality.
I have heard about this episode before as one of his breakout performances that Tom Hanks had real talent, but had never seen it for myself. Despite the awful and obvious set-ups and awkward transitions of the script that are the signature early sit-com, Tom does a wonderful job. Just when you think the sit com style script is going to ruin the moment at the end, Hanks manages to make it feel like a real life moment.

Sorry it can't be embedded, but here is the link.
http://www.imdb.com/video/cbs/vi2332360729/

what a glutton

I like to think that I never write till I have something complete and pure to write about, but based on most of my posts, it's obviously not the case. Sure, it would be nice if that was true so all 3 of my loyal fans could defend me by saying "well he may not put out that much material, but at least he doesn't pump out trash like your favorite blogger". That would make me feel special. Like one of those mercurial olympic champions that shows up outta no-where and destroys the world and then go back into relative hiding. Or like one of those writers or musicians who shows up every 4 years to drop off some masterpeice leaving fans to ponder the fantastic depth he or she must be in the darkest sections of the mind during all that time away. That's how you become a legend in the artistic field; 1 part talent, 2 parts shrewd image managment.

So what have I been doing the past 3 weeks? Being the opposite of deep and just skimming the cream of the internet crop. Wasting all my time reading others hard work, managing my 3 fantasy baseball teams, reading celebrity trash sites, watching instant movies on netflix, making cool music mixes, 2008 olympic rowing online videos, and writing recruiting letters to high school kids. Obviously, this is very consuming for me mentally, as I have the multi-tasking skills and intellegence of a lowly soldier ant.

I did notice one thing in all my time spent on my own enjoyment and that is how much I stalk blogs, and how my stalking is actually very very weak compared to other bloggers. I read my feed religiously and heres the funny thing. Half of them, I have given up interest on. Weird huh? Its like some kind of compulsion to continue to hope that something good will be there. Why? I guess it's because the internet is so inconsistent between "blah" and "awesome" that "guess and check" is the only reliable way to get a bunch of awesome in. Check as much as your patience can take and soak in as much awesome as you can.

This is why my RSS feed is loaded up with bloggers that I actually realize I don't care about anymore. I can't put my finger on it, but they lost me somewhere. They fail to bring up anything I care about or can relate to. Sometimes this is my fault for failing to recognize the bloggers main interests in life, and sometimes it is their fault for a variety of reason. Usually it entails getting too much into their day to day minutae without bringing up something of importance to the audience. Every story should have a point beyond "that annoys me" or "that makes me happy". They fail to answer the 5 W's and an H (who, what, where, why, when and how for the high school drop out readers of mine) with any skill or skip out on enough of them to make the story confusing or un-interesting to an outside reader.

I guess they win though, cause they fail at writing, and yet here I am still reading. So who is the bigger failure? As usual, it's S to the V.......

P.S: To confirm my suspicion that I am sadder than the bloggers I disapprove of; my main motivation for coming out of this temporary vacation was to post my new favorite song by "Kings of Leon" on SVTV. But seriously, how awesome are these guys live? Read my review of their last album here, but I am stoked for the next one.....

one of those days.....

Feeling rather uninspired today. My day requires that I do lots of things, and I usually have time to do all of them with plenty of focus and to do them well. But with all that extra time, I also do other fun things like read blogs, gossip columns, hunt for music, e-mail friends, shop for overpriced sunglasses, etc.
.
It's a beautiful day outside and I feel like doing nothing but taking a nap. But what do I do when I wake up?
.
I blame the internet for failing to entertain me today. I think the internet has off days too. Nothing interesting is happening on any of my regularly attended websites, and I can't summon the excitement to do any of my tasks with my usual S.Vincent vigor. So, in pondering my uninspiredness, I decided I would try to force out a blog post. Sooo....here it is. In all its uninspiring glory
.
Why do some days that contain the same requirements as the day before feel less exciting than others? Maybe I need to start taking (more) drugs.......